I did it again. I went down the rabbit hole of memories from two years ago. It’s hard not to when life and death are balanced in such a precarious way.
2022 was an eventful one.
My stem cell transplant was on March 31 that year. My mother died fourteen days later. I know I’ve said 13 days in previous pieces, but I was wrong. I noticed this while reading my journal entries from that time.
The words I wrote during my darkest days hit me in the gut. I found myself back in that room. I had the double whammy of losing my last parent during my hospital stay - aka - my unfortunate incarceration.
I know I’m not alone in feeling post-traumatic stress after a transplant and/or the death of a loved one. The pain is real, and it seems to be lasting a while. I want to share a little of what I wrote back then.
Journal Entry - April 7, 2022 – Day +7 post-transplant
They found a tumor in Mom’s lung. It’s pretty big and probably growing. She says she isn’t in any pain, but she’s exhausted. Rightly so after three rounds of chemo and six weeks of radiation. No treatment plan as of now, but I’m assuming palliative care or hospice. I hope they don’t opt for more aggressive treatments. She has been through enough. It’s hard to process all this as I’m stuck in the hospital. Will I get to see her again?
Just got another call this evening. I now know my mom is dying. The tumor is 17cm and fast growing. There is no treatment. She’ll be released to hospice. It feels so surreal. I got to FaceTime with her, which was good but also hard. I guess my last hug really was my last. I don’t want her to linger just so I have another chance. That would be too cruel.
Journal Entry - April 9, 2022 – Day +9 post-transplant
Mom is having a rough time with lots of pain. I hope they can solve that soon. But she’s dying. I wonder how she feels about all of that? I hope she feels in control of the decisions and is able to vocalize her wishes. I hope she’s talking to God a lot. I hope my siblings behave and no one causes her anxiety; I hope she sees her coming death in a way that brings her peace. She’s been such a presence in so many people’s lives. It’ll be hard to let her go. I love her.
Journal Entry - April 12, 2022 – Day +12 post-transplant
Trust is something I must have right now. I trust my siblings are taking care of Mom’s needs. I feel so left out. It’s no one’s fault—just the reality of the situation. I trust God to determine the day she goes to heaven. I hope to see her again, but I don’t think it’ll be possible. I’m sorry she’s had to suffer so much. This is so hard, even though I know I’m exactly where I need to be.
Journal Entry - April 13, 2022 – Day +13 post-transplant
Last night was rough. My blood pressure was acting up, and they had to keep doing orthostatic checks. They also had to set a bed alarm because I couldn’t get up alone. I can’t believe how weak I feel. No progress on Mom. She’s still just sleeping and appears very peaceful. Janis asked me to start writing the obit. She had a remarkable life. I hope the words come to me.
Journal Entry - April 14th, 2022 – Day+14 post-transplant
I had a dream last night about Mom. I was in my hospital bed and wasn’t doing well, so I called Mom to take me with her. She came to me wrapped in a blanket and put her arms around me. We floated through peaceful darkness together until I found myself back in my hospital bed, and Mom disappeared. I felt at peace. I was sad but comfortable that I hadn’t died yet. When I released my hold on the blanket, the remnants of Mom drifted away.
It was a beautiful experience, and I hope she feels the same peace I felt for her last night. I hope she’s not in pain and will transition soon. I think she’s ready.
6:45 pm – Mom is gone.
Tears are rolling down my cheeks as I transcribe these entries. I can still feel what it was like to wake up from that dream. And I remember looking at the clock when I was on FaceTime with my siblings as she took her last breath.
I don’t want to stay in this place of sadness. But it’s okay if I let it wash over me every once in a while. It was an intense time in my life.
My mom and I had a tricky relationship. We didn’t always agree, and we often disappointed each other. But in the end, there was only love.
There were also great things that happened in 2022. My grandson Theo was born in September, followed by his cousin Banks in December.
I also began my new life after being released from the hospital on April 18, 2022.
Karen, you have been an exceptional and brave warrior and I pray that you will never need that kind of strength again.
I hope your dream comforts you for all the years to come.
Thank you for sharing all that you do .. your dream seemed real.. it’s a beautiful picture of you and your mom ❤️