Here’s the third of the four chapters that are free for everyone. The remainder of the memoir will be available to paid subscribers, so if you like what you read in the first chapters, please feel free to join - BTW - I’m offering a 50% off discount right now.
I’m still not sure of the title, so for now I’m calling it:
Memoir of a Cancer Created Introvert.
Chapter 3
Journal Entry 6/10/21
Today more information will be gathered and I’ll try to stay calm. It’s the next step in figuring out the treatment for this thing that will soon define me. I’ll be a person with a disease that can be incurable and will probably end my life early. I really wanted to be a gray-haired old lady who died in her sleep in her nineties. I’d better hurry up and get some things done before I can’t. It’s time to finish writing that book and get it published. I think I’ll let go of my other dreams and focus only on what I really want to do. I’ll stop worrying about money and just live while I can. Let’s see if hope can keep me optimistic.
Tears were flowing and my hands shook as I wrote in my journal. It was 5:00 am and I’d barely gotten a wink of sleep. The reality of what I was facing terrified me.
The sun was beginning to rise, so I made a cup of coffee and walked down to the water. Dasher trotted beside me until he saw a great blue heron standing on the shore. As he ran towards her, she squawked in protest, flying towards the other bank.
I sat on a bench near the spot where the heron had just been resting. It was already warm out, but I pulled my sweater tightly around my body. These days I was always cold.
Across the river, the water sparkled as the sun continued to rise over the trees. The branches swayed in a light breeze. I could tell it was going to be a beautiful day.
Yesterday, I made the mistake of Googling this question:
How is a Bone Marrow Biopsy done?
1. The patient lies on their stomach or side.
2. A site is chosen on the hip bone on one side or the other. It is then cleansed and numbed with a local anesthetic.
3. A needle is inserted into the bone and a syringe is used to aspirate a sample of the liquid bone marrow.
4. Next, a larger, hollow needle is inserted and twisted to extract a small sample of solid bone marrow tissue.
5. When the needles are removed, pressure is applied to stop bleeding.
Easy peasy, lemon squeezey, my kids used to say. I felt nauseous.
Joe tried to keep a conversation going as he drove me to the clinic. All I could do was stare out the window and pray. I don’t think I was this nervous driving to the hospital to deliver my babies.
The waiting room was almost empty when we arrived. My appointment was Dr. Adams last of the day. His nurse told me he wasn’t sure how long the procedure would take, so he didn’t want to feel rushed.
Walking back to the procedure room, we passed the infusion unit where patients sat lined up in recliners. The tubes coming out of their arms snaked up poles like bean plants.
The room I was taken to was narrow with a low exam table against one wall. On the opposite side was a sink and counter holding a tray covered by a cloth.
“I have some papers for you to sign, then you’ll need to remove your clothes from the waist down,” the nurse instructed as she handed me a clip board and a paper blanket. “If you’ll lie on your side and face the wall the doctor will be in shortly.”
I did as she asked, but I barely read the permission forms I was signing. After getting undressed, I laid down on the table and closed my eyes. People came in and out of the room. They talked to each other and, at times, asked me questions, but I didn’t turn around
“Hello Ms. Richards,” Dr. Adams said when he entered the room.
“Before we get started do you have any questions?”
“No,” I said while still facing the wall.
He described the procedure pretty much the way I’d read on the internet. Then he began pushing on different spots on the back of my hip.
“Here,” he touched on an area to the right of my spine. A draped was spread over my back and someone rubbed the spot with a cold sponge in circular motions.
“You’re going to feel a slight prick and burning now,” he said, as he injected the numbing agent.
He wasn’t wrong. The medicine felt like fire searing through my back until, suddenly, there was nothing.
“If you start feeling any pain during the procedure please let me know. I can add more anytime.”
I nodded and continued to stare at the blank wall. My eyes filled with tears. I grabbed the charm on my necklace that held the key words from Psalm 46:10. It had been a gift from my best friend, Julie.
Be Still, it says.
I’m trying.
“You’re now going to feel a lot of pressure as I insert the needle to remove the aspirate,” Dr. Adams continued.
“Would you like to hold my hand,” a nurse asked as she patted my shoulder.
I shook my head and squeezed the charm tighter. My whole body felt tense with anticipation.
Be Still.
“OUCH!”
The word flew out of me without warning. The pain was deep and hot. The doctor stopped and requested more numbing stuff from the assisting nurse. Once again I felt the burn as the medication found its way to the nerves deep in my back.
After that injection, all I could feel was pushing and pulling. The doctor continued to request things. I could hear the rubbery footsteps of the nurses hustling in and out of the room. The tools clanked on the metal tray.
“I’m now going to take a core sample, so you’re going to feel something like a snap in a moment,” Dr. Adams said.
It took more than a moment as the doctor seemed to be having trouble finding the right spot. He let out several frustrated sighs before he started pushing with a lot of force. I’m not sure it was audible, but when he took the sample, it sounded like a twig being broken. I squeezed my eyes shut and my hand grasped the charm so hard it created a dent in my palm. When the needle was removed, my back seemed to sigh with relief.
Now all I could feel was pressure as they secured a bandage to the site.
“I’m sorry that took so long. It’s been a while since I’ve done a biopsy in the office and I’d forgotten how difficult it can be with female patients. The problem is they have more tissue in the area then men do.”
Are you calling my ass fat? I thought.
I chuckled.
“It’s going to take little while for the results to come in. We’ll schedule you for a follow up in two weeks,” Dr. Adams said as he left the room.
The nurse helped me sit up and get dressed. She handed me a bag of ice with instructions to keep it on for twenty minutes and off for twenty over the next twenty-four hours. She also handed me a list of dos and don’ts.
“Basically, go home and rest, but call if you have any excessive bleeding or pain,” she said.
The look on Joe’s face when I was escorted back to the waiting room told me I looked like hell. He put his arm around me as we slowly walked to the car.
Drifting in and out of sleep on the way home, I felt disoriented. When we rounded the curve in the road where our property begins, I felt such relief. Seeing the golden hour light drenching the shoreline was exactly what I needed.
And the great blue heron was again resting next to my bench. I suspect she was hoping Dasher and I wouldn’t disturb her peace.
Thank you for sharing these deeply personal stories ❤️
Dang! That was hard to read